Recently I have had fun armchair traveling with a young friend, Zoe Konovalov, who is visiting Asia. She is immersing herself in the rich cultures and traditions of many of the countries. Her fondness for the people and places she has already encountered has led her to learn Mandarin. One of her recent posts gripped my heart, she shared:
I’ve had so many conversations with people learning English who assume that ‘how are you’ is a genuine question rather than just an empty greeting. In Mandarin ‘ni hao’ literally translates as ‘ you good’ but if you are greeting a friend and you actually want to know if they are good, you add the question word ‘ma’ at the end. Such a clear and practical language, well done Mandarin. Now we just need a way in English to signal whether we actually care, ‘how are you?’
I’ve had so many conversations with people learning English who assume that ‘how are you’ is a genuine question rather than just an empty greeting. In Mandarin ‘ni hao’ literally translates as ‘ you good’ but if you are greeting a friend and you actually want to know if they are good, you add the question word ‘ma’ at the end. Such a clear and practical language, well done Mandarin. Now we just need a way in English to signal whether we actually care, ‘how are you?’
After reading this post I couldn’t put it out of my mind. I responded to her thoughts by saying that, perhaps rather than amend our language, we should amend our ways. Maybe what we need to do is genuinely mean what we say, to care, to really want to hear the answer to the question. I think it bothered me so much because mostly I am a person who wants to know how people are doing. Whether I ask the cashier checking me out, the server taking my order, or a neighbor I am talking to on the sidewalk, if I ask, “How are you?”, I really want to know. I don’t want to fix the language, I want to fix a society that is perhaps losing the ability to care about others. I want my grandchildren to grow up in a world where people stop to engage others in honest, compassionate dialogue, extend kindness and empathy where it can soothe, and rejoice and laugh with those who have something to celebrate. But, I also realize that sometimes I am guilty of using the words, “how are you”, as just an empty greeting. I want to fix that in ME.
I tend not to like to talk about “the good old days” because I have lived long enough to realize that one day in the future, THESE will be “the good old days.” However, there are some things that might need reviving. I’m grateful to know so many of my wonderful neighbors, but I have friends who tell me they do not know the people living around them. Remember when neighbors talked to one another over the back fence, brought a plate of cookies to the new family on the block, and shoveled the walk or raked the leaves of the elderly folks on the street? Remember when neighbors really wanted to know, “How are you”? Remember when women had “coffees” and that didn’t mean meeting at Starbucks? It meant inviting people to your home, setting out mugs or coffee cups and pretty napkins and some homemade goodies, and really catching up. Those coffees and similar get-togethers are invaluable times for really finding out “how are you”—no cell phones (I’m guilty), no rushing, just lending an ear, listening (now there’s a dying art, and again I’m guilty), and making eye contact. As I write this I am aware of all the screens staring at me—the television screen, my phone screen, the computer screen on which I am typing—maybe it’s time to shut them off and engage in more face-to-face time. Body language and voice inflections, emotions and feelings, are hard to perceive via email and text messages. I don’t think we are as connected as we think we are.
Going forward I want my greetings to be genuine. If I ask you how you are, expect that I will be looking you in the eye, reading your body language, listening to the words and the emotions you share, and looking for your honest response. Maybe if all of us really mean it when we ask others, “How are you?”, we can reopen the door to a more caring world, and leave it open for the generations to come. I don’t want to fix the language; I do want to fix ME, so that I can be a better friend to YOU! So, how are you? No really, HOW ARE YOU?
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